[It must be blatantly obvious what he's doing right now. Calling Sousuke in the first place, leading him on, asking him to meet him face to face while he's goddamn naked in his stupid bathroom... It's obvious. He needs help. But of course there may never be a time when Rin asks for that out loud. He only trusts Sousuke to understand and pick up on it as he usually can, those tiny hints and nudges just the two of them can read.
... But how many times will Sousuke understand for him? How many times will he bend and twist just because Rin says so? Thinking those things makes his stomach ache and he clenches a fist over his sternum to press down where he can feel his heartbeat speeding up. He's awful. Asking for everything, greedily taking and wanting– What if Sousuke's only doing this to humor Rin? What if it's not what he needs himself? It's more stupid and heavy thinking though and Rin swallows to push down the lump forming in his throat because of it.]
I want to do that for you too.
[he blurts it out, voice wavering only a little, fist tightening over his heart.]
[That's why he's coming over. Because behind that simple request, he knows there's more. It's not just a matter of wanting company. Away from him, it aches. He handles it often enough, but it's there. Rin needs him... and he needs Rin. It's cold out here, it's dark, and he's risking getting lost in this stupid city. But he's walking without hesitation. For him. They don't have to say those things out loud, only trust that they'll convey like they usually do.
Such a good dog. They'd mocked him for that in the elevator; it still stung. Only because he knows it's true and he hates them for trampling on it. He'll protect Rin, he'll come when he calls, he'll comfort him, he'll sacrifice for him. As much as he can, as often as he can. Sometimes he'll dig his heels in, sometimes he'll refuse... but in the end, Rin is most important to Sousuke. He carries the dream Sousuke isn't able to anymore. That life. It's why he transferred schools. Because the simple truth is: I want to be with you again.]
Rin...
[His hands curl in his pockets and he has to sigh, weighted and soft.]
You've never been useless to me. You're the reason I've made it this far.
[He listens to Sousuke's footsteps as he walks, the weight of each one and the shuffle of fabric when he moves forward and closer to him, and when he sighs Rin holds his breath, a little anxious for what he's going to hear. They're usually predictable to each other, but because of this new change in their lives, he's starting to learn Sousuke all over again. He doesn't know what he'll say or how he'll react to certain things exactly and Rin worries that, more than anything, he'll be upset in the end.
Still, he supposed he'd rather hear about all that now than never. If there's something wrong between them or something nagging at the back of Sousuke's mind, then Rin wants to know. There's no use in holding back; he might just end up hurting himself. He wants there to be no secrets or lies just as he's been trying to enforce with Haru.
If you want something from me, tell me. If there's anything on your mind, tell me.]
That's a big responsibility for me, isn't it? Being your 'future'.
[he says it with a soft laugh. Relax. He isn't much farther.]
And you still haven't told me what you mean exactly...
[But his voice trails off and he soon lets out a sigh. What happened back home that spurred all those thoughts on? Being his dream and being his future... It almost seems indecisive. His dream should be swimming. His dream should be competing on the national stage. Not just... Rin. Shifting his legs against each other, Rin frowns at the door, though his eyes remain soft and expecting. Whatever Sousuke means, he just hopes he'll tell him. One day.]
Well, your future's looking pretty cold if you don't hurry up and grab it.
[They're so different now. Each step forward is its own events, isolated from the one before. He could make this trip to Rin's without thinking about it before, but now, it feels too slow. The night air around him is thin, stealing his breath a little as he looks at the gulf between himself and the housing district. Really, he's not that far from it... but it looks like it might take forever. Because so many things have changed in their lives, and this one change... The best friend he thought he understood the most, he no longer understands at all. Yes, he can predict when he'll yell or when he'll cry, but beneath those things, how Rin really feels, he finds himself wondering. If he pushes too fast, will Rin be scared away; if he clings to hard, is that what Rin actually wants; if he stays like this, drifting silently beside his best friend at his beck and call, what does Rin think about that?
On the outside, wouldn't he be so ready to smile and say everything's perfect between them. They finally defined the the last ambiguous strand of their relationship in that rainstorm. They're almost fully recovered from their ordeal, closer than ever... And yet, there's still so many things wrong. They can't see each other whenever they want, there's emptiness left that only fill when they're together. He knows Rin hates lies; he's honest and pure-hearted, always wanting to know those secret feelings that might be troublesome later on. But...
Maybe... some part of me wants you to find out. Break me, pull every lie off even if it hurts. Because I'm too scared to do it myself.
Sousuke's not that kind of person. He rarely demands information, doesn't pry into Rin's life often, and is content to let him have his secrets if that's what makes Rin happy. So long as he can continue to see his true smile and stay by his side, that makes Sousuke happy. Because Rin doesn't have any idea just what he's carrying with him into the light of his golden future. Make me proud, Rin. I know you'll get there. To that stage.]
Why should it be? [He lightly runs his hand through his hair again, rubbing at the back of his head.] You're going to the same place; nothing's changed.
[But he allows that last lingering question to fade with Rin's trailing voice, swerving around the issue silently as he continues forward. Someday, you'll find out what I mean. Then what will you do, Rin? After you finish crying...]
Careful, I might end up pulling my future off its feet if it keeps taunting me.
[His sneakers go from sidewalk to asphalt, only the parking lot between himself and the apartment complex.
And then he's running, a full sprint through the night. Because he's tired of waiting anymore. He's sick of this distance. He wants to be there now. He wants to be home.]
[He shrugs even though he knows Sousuke won't be able to see him. Why should it be? He doesn't know. But it just... feels like it. Like he's responsible for making sure Sousuke makes it all the way to the end of his lane, like he has to keep him afloat, like without him, he might as well have nothing to look forward to. They've never needed one another before, never seen each other as more than rivals...
You'll have to forgive him, Sousuke, if Rin feels completely out of his element.
But he laughs it off and with his hands still holding his arms to his body, he listens closely and picks up on the sound of shoes hitting the pavement. He wonders if he's close now.]
Is that supposed to scare me?
[And as he pushes away from the wall with his shoulder, he hears those same footsteps picking up their pace and pauses with his hand pressed to the door frame. He's running...
He must be near now. So with the lights shut off and goosebumps trailing up his arms, Rin steps out into the hallway so he can walk over and undo the lock and deadbolt of the front door even if his hands start to shake. It's not that he's even that cold. ... He's just a little-- excited.]
['Need' is a strong word. They don't “need” each other, and yet, there's no one else in the world that can do for each other the things they do. No one else who can light his fires and spur him on, force him to use every ounce of power he has to win. No one else who can be his dream. That's his responsibility... right? But then what's Sousuke's? His responsibility to Rin... Does he have to feel that Rin needs him too? That he has to keep Rin going?
Well... yes. Even if he never admits it. It's exactly what he's doing; making sure that his best friend finishes his race and reaches the dream he loves so much. Boy... they've certainly got all this figured out. Right.]
No, just make you excited.
[His words come in puffs as he runs. Sousuke catches onto the railing, swinging himself around the bend and charges up the stairs, refusing that little stitch in his side any leeway. He's moving now. Up the stairs, not even thinking of using the elevator because it's too slow. He takes them two at a time, those long legs of his, and he's actually counting down the door numbers in his head as they flash by.
Until he's finally on Rin's floor and those numbers are going one by one closer ot the single number he wants to see in front of his face. The door that has “home” behind it. Which leaves him standing in front of the panel, panting softly from the sprint.
Can you say what you usually say?
Sousuke lifts his hand, goes to knock on the door, but then stops. Why should he even knock? This... this is home... right? So he lowers it, heart beating fast in his chest, grasps the knob, and twists.
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... But how many times will Sousuke understand for him? How many times will he bend and twist just because Rin says so? Thinking those things makes his stomach ache and he clenches a fist over his sternum to press down where he can feel his heartbeat speeding up. He's awful. Asking for everything, greedily taking and wanting– What if Sousuke's only doing this to humor Rin? What if it's not what he needs himself? It's more stupid and heavy thinking though and Rin swallows to push down the lump forming in his throat because of it.]
I want to do that for you too.
[he blurts it out, voice wavering only a little, fist tightening over his heart.]
I don't want to be useless to you...
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Such a good dog. They'd mocked him for that in the elevator; it still stung. Only because he knows it's true and he hates them for trampling on it. He'll protect Rin, he'll come when he calls, he'll comfort him, he'll sacrifice for him. As much as he can, as often as he can. Sometimes he'll dig his heels in, sometimes he'll refuse... but in the end, Rin is most important to Sousuke. He carries the dream Sousuke isn't able to anymore. That life. It's why he transferred schools. Because the simple truth is: I want to be with you again.]
Rin...
[His hands curl in his pockets and he has to sigh, weighted and soft.]
You've never been useless to me. You're the reason I've made it this far.
...You're my future...
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Still, he supposed he'd rather hear about all that now than never. If there's something wrong between them or something nagging at the back of Sousuke's mind, then Rin wants to know. There's no use in holding back; he might just end up hurting himself. He wants there to be no secrets or lies just as he's been trying to enforce with Haru.
If you want something from me, tell me. If there's anything on your mind, tell me.]
That's a big responsibility for me, isn't it? Being your 'future'.
[he says it with a soft laugh. Relax. He isn't much farther.]
And you still haven't told me what you mean exactly...
[But his voice trails off and he soon lets out a sigh. What happened back home that spurred all those thoughts on? Being his dream and being his future... It almost seems indecisive. His dream should be swimming. His dream should be competing on the national stage. Not just... Rin. Shifting his legs against each other, Rin frowns at the door, though his eyes remain soft and expecting. Whatever Sousuke means, he just hopes he'll tell him. One day.]
Well, your future's looking pretty cold if you don't hurry up and grab it.
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On the outside, wouldn't he be so ready to smile and say everything's perfect between them. They finally defined the the last ambiguous strand of their relationship in that rainstorm. They're almost fully recovered from their ordeal, closer than ever... And yet, there's still so many things wrong. They can't see each other whenever they want, there's emptiness left that only fill when they're together. He knows Rin hates lies; he's honest and pure-hearted, always wanting to know those secret feelings that might be troublesome later on. But...
Maybe... some part of me wants you to find out. Break me, pull every lie off even if it hurts. Because I'm too scared to do it myself.
Sousuke's not that kind of person. He rarely demands information, doesn't pry into Rin's life often, and is content to let him have his secrets if that's what makes Rin happy. So long as he can continue to see his true smile and stay by his side, that makes Sousuke happy. Because Rin doesn't have any idea just what he's carrying with him into the light of his golden future. Make me proud, Rin. I know you'll get there. To that stage.]
Why should it be? [He lightly runs his hand through his hair again, rubbing at the back of his head.] You're going to the same place; nothing's changed.
[But he allows that last lingering question to fade with Rin's trailing voice, swerving around the issue silently as he continues forward. Someday, you'll find out what I mean. Then what will you do, Rin? After you finish crying...]
Careful, I might end up pulling my future off its feet if it keeps taunting me.
[His sneakers go from sidewalk to asphalt, only the parking lot between himself and the apartment complex.
And then he's running, a full sprint through the night. Because he's tired of waiting anymore. He's sick of this distance. He wants to be there now. He wants to be home.]
no subject
You'll have to forgive him, Sousuke, if Rin feels completely out of his element.
But he laughs it off and with his hands still holding his arms to his body, he listens closely and picks up on the sound of shoes hitting the pavement. He wonders if he's close now.]
Is that supposed to scare me?
[And as he pushes away from the wall with his shoulder, he hears those same footsteps picking up their pace and pauses with his hand pressed to the door frame. He's running...
He must be near now. So with the lights shut off and goosebumps trailing up his arms, Rin steps out into the hallway so he can walk over and undo the lock and deadbolt of the front door even if his hands start to shake. It's not that he's even that cold. ... He's just a little-- excited.]
no subject
Well... yes. Even if he never admits it. It's exactly what he's doing; making sure that his best friend finishes his race and reaches the dream he loves so much. Boy... they've certainly got all this figured out. Right.]
No, just make you excited.
[His words come in puffs as he runs. Sousuke catches onto the railing, swinging himself around the bend and charges up the stairs, refusing that little stitch in his side any leeway. He's moving now. Up the stairs, not even thinking of using the elevator because it's too slow. He takes them two at a time, those long legs of his, and he's actually counting down the door numbers in his head as they flash by.
Until he's finally on Rin's floor and those numbers are going one by one closer ot the single number he wants to see in front of his face. The door that has “home” behind it. Which leaves him standing in front of the panel, panting softly from the sprint.
Can you say what you usually say?
Sousuke lifts his hand, goes to knock on the door, but then stops. Why should he even knock? This... this is home... right? So he lowers it, heart beating fast in his chest, grasps the knob, and twists.
I'm home.]
no subject